A Holiday "Classic" from 2008

Two years ago, as the Detroit Lions were "making history", I published this holiday parody in a sports newsletter, that I was running at the time.



A DETROIT LIONS CHRISTMAS CAROL
BY The Ice Dog
(With Apologies to Charles Dickens)

On the night before Christmas, William Clay Ford was sleeping in his Grosse Pointe Mansion, when, about 1 A.M., A ghost showed up in his bedroom. "Mr. Ford", the ghost called out, "Mr Ford". He woke up, frightened, "Who are you?" He asked. "I used to coach your team a long time ago", he said, ''there will be three of us tonight, I am the first, come with me ", he said. The coach, whom Ford had not yet recognized, took him to a locker room decades ago where the coach was being presented with the Vince Lombardi Trophy for winning the Super Bowl. "You won the Super Bowl!" Ford said. The coach said "Yes, I did, but not for your hideous bunch, I WON IT IN BALTIMORE, YOU MORON!", as he slapped Mr. Ford on the head, "I'm Don Mcafferty", Mr. Ford said, "oh yes, I remember you now, you dropped dead of a heart attack". Mcafferty said" One year of coaching your team will do that to anybody!", as he took Ford back to his bedroom "The next one will be here in an hour".

Mr. Ford got back to sleep, when about 2, he heard a ghost again. "Mr Ford", the ghost said, "Mr. Ford.... "O.K., O.K." Mr. Ford said, who are YOU?" "I am Bobby Layne", I was a quarterback who won championships in the 1950's, when you were part owner of the team, come with me now". Layne took Ford to the Lions' offices in 1958. " I remember, this was our offices". Yes, this is where you idiots came up with the bright idea of TRADING me to Pittsburgh", Layne said. "Do you remember what I said next?", Layne asked Mr. Ford, who said he didn't recall. "I said you clowns wouldn't win for 50 years, and look, its 50 years and you guys are nowhere near winning", He then took Ford back home and said, the last one will be here in an hour".

Mr. Ford got back to sleep yet again, when the last, scariest ghost of all appeared. "Mr. Ford", the ghost called out. "Mr Ford".... Mr. Ford said "Ok,...RUSS?!" "Yes, it is I" said Russ Thomas. Mr Ford said to him"wait a minute, weren't YOU the scrooge in this story?". Thomas said "I only did your bidding, sir". "Come with me, I have to take you to see two more things, your recent past, and your future". The first stop was at the Silverdome in 1998. They saw a running back with incredible talents running into the end zone. "THAT'S BARRY!" Mr. Ford said "He Scored a touchdown!, hey , he's running out of the end zone, and he's running out of the stadium!, what gives?". "Mr. Ford", Thomas said, "Our organization has been run so badly, he lost his spirit, and quit the team". Thomas then said "I have one last place to take you, this is your future". Thomas took Ford to a graveyard, and said "I have to show you both the best case, and the worst case scenario, I will show you the best case first". He took him to a tombstone that said: "HERE LIES WILLIAM CLAY FORD, OWNER OF THE WORST TEAM OF ALL TIME". Ford said to him "If that's the BEST case scenario, WHAT'S THE WORST?" Thomas said to him "This is what your tombstone will say if your team does not win a game his month"

The stone had no name, just a few numbers. It said Simply:

0-16

Mr. Ford looked up at Thomas, and said "Is this my legacy?". Thomas shook his head yes Ford yelled "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! NO! NO! NO!, as Thomas took him back home.

The next morning, Ford woke up, opened his window, and yelled to a young boy below "WHAT DAY IS IT YOUNG MAN?". The boy said "It's Christmas, Mr. Ford, AND YOUR TEAM STILL STINKS!!"